


Die Young

by orphan_account



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angst, Depression, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Germany is Holy Roman Empire, Holy Roman Empire, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I'M WARNING PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU'RE TRIGGERED EASILY, If I die young songfic kind of?, Lots of mention of death, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-06
Updated: 2016-06-07
Packaged: 2018-07-12 04:42:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7085992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Feliciano remembers that day, imprinted on his mind forever. And he knows it's all his fault, if he could've been better, if he'd have seen it coming, if he'd just...done something. Everything in his world is falling down without the tiniest fragment of hope, and nothing can fix it. Until that sweet, strong, amazing boy comes into his life.<br/>(Human/modern AU...kind of inspired by If I Die Young by The Band Perry?? Not entirely though.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Forever could be severed

I still remember that day, and his face, and everything about him that just made me fall in love. I remember his laugh, and the way he blushed pink when he was flustered, and his little half-smile that he gave me when he was nervous. I remember his sweet scent of faint mint and lavender. I remember the warmth of his arms, and the taste of that one, single kiss we'd ever had.

But most of all, I remember his cold body lying there, and the tears streaming down my face, and feeling of having lost everything in a matter of seconds. 

It still hurts, badly, and the years have done nothing to mute the pain. And every time I allow my mind to flash back to him, the wound opens again, filling me with hurt and sadness and longing. The very sound of his name brings me both sadness and joy.  _Ronan Miris._ The boy I used to- and forever will- love. 

 _Don't think about him again,_ I remind myself.  _People need you to be happy. This isn't important right now._

Ronan died six years ago. I guess I need to admit that I...I loved him. And I still do. I was young then, but I knew that what I felt was so real, so  _right_. 

We'd met when we were five years old. We were best friends, inseparable, and we had been  _happy_. But it wasn't until my tenth birthday that we'd realized there was so, so much more than just  _friendship_. You might say we were just naive kids, but we went on like that together for almost four years. I think it could've been more, if he hadn't...

If not for...

If I'd...

"Feli?" Roderich knocks politely at my door before entering. He wears a white apron, a sign that he's been cooking and he didn't want to get his clothes dirty. He stands in the doorway, almost not daring to come in.

I hurriedly flip over the drawing I was working on in the most blatant  _I'm hiding something_ way. My caretaker raises an eyebrow, but has the tact not to say anything. 

I force a smile onto my face before chirping out a hello. It has to be this way- I have to act this way now, I have to fake everything. It's not like it used to be. Nothing can ever be the same again, I guess. 

_Stop it, Feliciano. You don't need this. Keep smiling._

"What do you need, Roddy?" I ask. My voice is high and light, perfectly hiding...well, hiding whatever it is I want to hide. 

Roderich clears his throat. "Well, I was just...I was wondering if you were all right?"

My breath catches, betraying everything that Roderich needed to know. "Of course! W-why wouldn't I be?"  _I know exactly why. And no, I'm not okay, and I want to have Ronan back and I love him so much and I need so much more. I...I'm not okay. No amount of forced happiness will fix that._ I give him a grin that I  _know_ doesn't look the slightest bit sincere, and I hope that he won't see right through me. 

But he  _does_ see. "Feliciano Vargas," he sighs, exasperated. I know, though, that beyond that, Roderich cares. He just doesn't know how to care like other people. "Feli, you know why. Because of him," He shifts slightly in my doorframe. "Tomorrow...that's the day..."

I climb out of my chair and hug him. He tenses at the touch, but hesitantly relaxes into it. "The day he died," I whisper into his ear shakily. "Honestly, Roddy, I...I can do it. I'm okay." 

_Am I?_

He nods sharply. "Okay," Roderich turns and walks way, to attend to something or other. I know he cares, but his way of caring is sharper, harder. A more cold type. 

I honestly don't know how I ended up being raised by Roddy. He's just always been there, ever since I can remember. He insists he's not related to me in any way, and that he didn't adopt me either. But he's the only form of parent I have, and I think he does it well. 

I turn back to my drawing, experimenting with shading. It's important that I do this perfectly, that I vent every negative feeling I've ever felt into drawing. Everything that I keep locked up is thrust into this drawing, emotion translating into artwork. 

It's his face. I've barely drawn anything besides that in five years, and I don't think I could ever really put my attention on something else.

Roderich says I shouldn't focus too much on him, that I'm still young and I have so much left. I guess he's right, and I've  _tried_ \- oh, how I've tried- to keep going happily. But the thing that I can never tell Roddy is that it still hurts, that I still feel lost. I have to be careful to never let anyone see my hurt. Roderich, or anyone else, can't know how much I've drawn that beautiful blue eyed face. 

The proportions of Ronan's face are all wrong, and I notice that I've been too distracted, and now it's a mess. I crumple the paper up and toss it into a nearby bin, letting it join the crumpled stack of others. Then I rise from my desk to see my family downstairs.

                                                              

* * *

 

"Hey, it's my little Feli!"

I swivel around to see Elizabeta, grinning wildly at me. Her green eyes shine full of laughter, a playful grin dancing across her face.  

I immediately wrap my arms tightly around her neck, pulling the older woman into a tight embrace. Elizabeta is like a mother to me, and she and Roddy have been dating for years. It's beyond me why they haven't gotten married yet. 

It's funny, in those times after Ronan...Elizabeta was probably the greatest support I had. She was constantly berating me to stay stronger, to live life to its fullest despite what may have happened. She was persistent and firm, but she was also gentle when I needed her to be. 

_But don't think about that, Feliciano Vargas. Now isn't the time to remember._

I force the same smile, grinning at Elizabeta. "Are we gonna eat dinner or what?" She chuckles and nods, taking a place at the table and gesturing for me to sit next to her. 

Elizabeta doesn't officially live here, but she's over here so much that she might as well move in. It was Roderich who said no- he wanted to get married before she moved in. And then there's the matter of  _me._

I take the open chair next to her and start engaging in conversation. I'm unusually energetic, just to convince them that  _yes, I'm fine, please don't worry about me. Please don't burden yourself even more with my issues._

Our small talk continues until I hear Roderich call out, "It's ready!" and come out with a tray. Something...very simple, to say the least. 

I gasp, and my face flushes. "Oh! Roddy, I never even thought about dinner, I'm so sorry!"

Normally, I'm the one that cooks for us. Elizabeta's skills are...abysmal, really, and Roderich's getting better, but he doesn't particularly enjoy cooking. 

Roderich shrugs and tries not to look me in the eyes. "It's okay. You had...other things on your mind."

We both go silent, trying not to think about  _why_ I was occupied, trying not to think about that day, trying not to think about  _him_. At least, that's what I was thinking. 

The two of us shuffle awkwardly, trying, until Elizabeta can't stand it. "Sit down. Let's eat."

Sometimes she is a graceful, social butterfly that always knows what to say to calm the mood. And other times...other times she's like that.  I can't say it's not effective, though. Roddy and I both nod and delve into a forced conversation. Eventually it begins to flow, and soon we're laughing and we've pushed everything aside for a little while, and the sadness is almost completely forgotten, and we've suddenly become a  _family_.

I don't think I've expressed the magic of Elizabeta Hedervary. Every single time she's here, we become...happier. More content. Everything seems behind us, just by her presence in the room. People like that...

"...so then, Francis starts flirting with  _both_ of his best friends at the same time, while his husband is in the room- let's just say, it was an eventful birthday. I don't think Gil and Antonio will ever be the same."

Roderich coughs politely. "Speaking of Gilbert," Only a blind person wouldn't notice how Elizabeta's eyes widen, and she looks down. I choose not to comment. "Well, Feli, I'm going to dinner with him and his brother this weekend, and I was wondering if you'd like to join us?"

"Is Elizabeta going?" I ask. She shakes her head fervently, and Roderich adjusts nervously in his seat. 

"Er, no, she...she, um, she's on rather...unpleasant terms with Gilbert right now."

I hear Elizabeta mutter a "Damn right, the filthy bastard," under her breath before looking at me. "Yeah, maybe I don't like him, but you should go, Feli. I think you'd like the Beilshmidts."

There's some other reason beyond me 'liking' them, but I can tell that it's not something that I should ask about. The tense glances Elizabeta and Roddy share, the furious blush on her face, the nervous stutter of Roderich. He doesn't want to go alone, and Elizabeta doesn't want to make him go alone. 

"And isn't Gil's younger brother around Feli's age?" Elizabeta continues. Roderich nods fervently. 

"Ludwig. Such a nice boy, very polite. I think you'd get along well, Feliciano," Roddy says.

"Okay, then." I nod. "Sounds nice," I offer a smile to reassure him. 

The rest of dinner carries on smoothly, with no other mention of Gilbert Beilshmidt. The tension is gone, and we've pushed back the shadows for a while. 

* * *

 

That night, though, I can't sleep. My mind keeps wandering to Ronan, to everything we could've had, to how I felt for him. To Elizabeta and Rodrich, and whatever's going on with them and Gilbert. 

I love Ronan so much. Tomorrow, he'll have been dead for six years. Tomorrow will mark the day that I lost him, and the wound will open all over again, and I'll keep on feeling lost and afraid and having to smile and laugh and pretend. 

And I am so sick of pretending. 

These thoughts occupy my mind, torment me with haunting words, devour me with things that could've been. They cut into me like knives, and the pain is so real ad fresh that I almost cry out. 

It's almost a relief when the form of death called sleep takes me, drags me under into it's depths. 

* * *

_The boy is blushing, looking down at the ground. He bites his lower lip nervously, and I find it so, so adorable._

_I clasp the little bouquet of flowers I picked that morning a little tighter. "What is it?" I ask curiously, and I notice my cheeks becoming slightly pink, too._

_Ronan walks toward me and grabs my other hand, still blushing furiously. He brings his blue eyes up to meet mine. "I, um...Feli...I..."_

_"Yes?" I press on, trying to encourage him. I'm curious of what he has to say._

_Ronan scratches the back of his neck nervously. "Feli, I-I-" he stops, and looks deeply into my eyes. "Well, Feliciano Vargas, I-I really like you. And I like you...more than...more than friends." He's so red now, so embarrassed. "And I wanna know...I want to know if you could maybe...like me that way, too..."_

_I gasp and cover my mouth with my hand._

_"What? Do you...do you not...I'm sorry-" Ronan turns to run away, but I grab his arm._

_"No! No, Ronan, I-" I take a deep breath."I really like you, too! And I think...I think that you're really handsome! And I-I...I love you!"_

_He pauses, and his face grows even redder. "Feliciano..."_

_"What is it?" I ask anxiously. "Is-is that wrong? Am I not supposed to tell you that I-?_

_He holds his hand up and I think to myself that it he blushes any more, you could mistake him for a tomato. "No, Feli, I really-" He stops. "Well, I- I love you, too. And I...I'll love you forever."_

_His blue eyes stare into mine, but then all of a sudden they glaze over, and he's lying in a coffin his best suit. His corpse lies there, lifeless, and I scream, tears pouring down my face._

_"No! R-ronan, please...please come back! Please!" I choke out._

_The corpse sits up and turns to face me, and it's not anything like my love anymore. It's terrifying, and I'm afraid, and I just want him back._

_It opens its mouth to speak, and the words come out in a cruel, agonizing whisper._

_"Forever can be severed,"_

I wake up in cold sweat, and promise myself never to dream of him again.

 


	2. Go with peace

I wake up to a form of regret, and longing, and that feeling of desperate need. It's not a good thing to start the day with. 

_He died today. He died six years ago today._

All I can think about is Ronan and how much I loved him. How much he loved me. How I could've saved him. 

Maybe if I hadn't called out for him, maybe if I had been better, he would still be alive right now. He would still be able to hold my hand, to give me those soft, beautiful kisses that I so long for, to hold me and tell me everything is alright.

But it won't be all right. It can't be, because he'll never be here ever again. 

I don't even know where's he's buried. I tried to find out, but they said it would only upset me and- oh god, I don't even know where he's buried. 

I sound so needy. Too desperate. But I don't care. All I need is to hold his hand, and to be by his side, and feel his love around me constantly. But instead, I am this storm of regret and mourning. It shouldn't be this way. There was a way it was supposed to be. But it is gone. 

_"Ronnie!" I had run up to the small boy, skipping and giggling. The little blonde had turned expectantly, his face curved into the hint of a smile._

_"Yes?"_

_My little heart soared when his blue eyes met mine, and I could feel my palms flush at the sight of him. But I was not to be stopped. I held out the gift proudly. "For you, sweet." I'd recalled seeing that in a romantic movie somewhere. I thought it had sounded nice._

_Ronan took it hesitantly. He turned it over in his palm, confused. "A daisy ring?"_

_I nodded happily. "Yeah! Roderich told me that to be with someone forever, you had to give them a ring."_

_"Feli, you're not even eleven years old yet. We can't- we're not- we can't get married!" Ronan stumbled, confused._

_"Well, why can't we?" I was puzzled. "We love each other, don't we? Isn't that enough?"_

_Ronan had to ponder this for a moment. "Um..." He squinted, trying to come up with a logical answer. "Well, I think it's because we're too young."_

_I nodded. "Perfect sense! So when we're older, Ronnie, will you marry me?"_

_His face went so red that I could've mistaken him for a tomato. "U-uh....I-I...Feli...." He stammered. Then, seeming to get control of himself, he smiled shyly. "Yes, Feli. When we're older, if we're together, I'll marry you." He paused. "If that's allowed."_

_I gigged. "Who cares if it's allowed?" I wrapped my arm around him and planted a quick peck on his cheek. I was rewarded with a cute blush._

_"It doesn't matter to me. Once we're old enough, I'll definitely marry you."_

Well, what happened to that, Ronan? You promised. So come back and marry me.

The words echo around my head.  _You promised. You promised. You promised._  Tears begin running down my face, and I can't stop them. It hurts. It hurts so badly. I can try to fake a smile, but it'll never truly be real. Never really be happy from the bottom of my heart. Never really be complete without him. 

I think that was what first got me believing in soulmates. Someone who was destined for another since birth and they are perfect for each other. If that wasn't true, then how would I have found Ronan? How would we have fallen so hopelessly?

The only thing I don't understand is why he was taken from me. I must sound like a child throwing a fit, but I don't  _care_ , I don't  _care,_ because everything is gone now. My face is wet with hot tears of anguish and sorrow, and I just can't stop the crying, and I've tried to be strong for  _six years_ , and I can't take it anymore- I need....I need....

_No, Feli. You promised yourself. You promised. No._

My nails rake up and down my skin, leaving red marks tearing apart my flesh, and it's not enough,  _I need more I deserve more this is what I need because I did this, this is all my fault and he-_ I tear deeper into my skin, hoping to make more pain. I wish I had something sharper, something more painful to remind me that I'm the reason that Ronan died, that this is all my fault, it's always my fault-

I feel my hands ripped from my flesh, and my screams drowned out by louder shouts. Elizabeta restrains me, not letting my nails touch my skin. I thrash and scream, beg her to let me go, but she refuses. I know I shouldn't fight this, that I should give in because she only wants to help, but...

" _No!_ " She shouts. And that's all it takes. A simple word which hold more pain than I thought possible. I freeze and stare at the older woman. I notice a red welt on her face, and scars of clawed marks running up and down her arms like horrible painted reminders. 

"Eliza..." I breathe, and I realize what I have just done. "I'm so...I'm so sorry."

"S'okay," She brushes it aside. "I've had worse. _I'm_ fine. But _you're_ definitely not."

_Oh. So many people have told me that. And I have fed them the same lie every time._

"Oh, Eliza!" I giggle. _Does that sound right?_ "That was just...I don't know what...I'm sorry. I'm fine, really."

Elizabeta's eyes flash dangerously. "You know damn well that you're not fine. I'm not an idiot, Feliciano. I saw what you were doing to yourself."

I hang my head. "Please don't tell Roderich," I whisper. It's the only prayer I have anymore. That at least he won't find out, that at least he'll think I'm still happy little Feli. 

Her eyes narrow. "I won't tell him unless it's a serious issue. And I'll be keeping an eye on you." Then she brightens, turning back into light, happy Elizabeta Hedervary. "Now, let's forget about that. We're letting Roddy sleep in, and we're going out!"

Five minutes later, we're in Elizabeta's old pickup truck, laughing and singing along to the radio. Eliza's voice is loud and intentionally tuneless. I belt out the lyrics as loud as I possibly can, grinning wildly. I try to abandon any thought of him. 

"Are we going anywhere?" I shout over the noise.

"Why would we?" She yells back. "Yo've got snacks, I've got all of Junjou Romantica season three downloaded, we're good for years to come!"

I laugh and she joins in as we throw our heads back in uncontrollable giggles.

"Can I...ask you a question?" Eliza grows somber suddenly. 

"Of course, you can tell me anything!" I reply.  _What could she possibly...._

"If you loved someone, but they loved someone else, what would you do? And maybe you had feelings for someone else, too, but you're not sure, and it's just..." She pauses. "Never mind. It's nothing."

We drive in silence for a while. Finally I break the tension. 

"This is about Roderich, isn't it." It wasn't a question. 

She nods, not saying anything. I exhale slowly. 

"This outing is a distraction for you, too, not just me." Eliza nods again. 

"I'm so sorry, Feli. I just...I couldn't..."

"It's okay," I tell her. And it's true- it really is okay. I understand where she is right now. Like you need to get out from somewhere dark. Like all you have to do is escape, but you can't get free. Like you can't let anyone else know what's going on in your mind. 

I decide not to ask her any further about it. Instead, I change the subject. "So...I'm going to dinner with the Beilshmidts this week...you said I would like them, so I guess I wanted you to explain what they're like...ah, I'm so sorry, I don't want to force you to-"

The brunette laughs. "Well, for one thing, they live alone. It's just Gilbert and his brother now. They were raised by their grandfather, but he died last spring." She paused. "And you could never meet a more different pair of brothers. They-"

"Even me and Lovi?" I interrupt. "We're twins, but we're different."

Eliza giggles. "Yeah, I'd say they're about as different as the two of you are. Ludwig is quiet and serious, although I have discovered he blushes easily. He's your age, and I think you'd like him. He's very sweet, and I think the two of you would get along  _splendidly._ " She grins, but it quickly fades. "And Gilbert is....well, he certainly is... _something._ He's a misogynistic, arrogant bitch-baby who thinks the world should be handed to him on a silver platter."

"Is that why you hate him?" I ask tentatively. 

Elizabeta doesn't answer for a while. "I guess...I guess you could call me jealous," Her voice comes out in a low whisper. 

"Jealous of what?"

But I don't get an answer.

* * *

 Distractions are nice. But there comes a time when you have to lay them aside and face the terrible reality. You step out of the car and you let the laugh slip away. You thank the person who distracted you, and you insist that you're really okay. You return to the existence you had before. 

We arrive home later in the afternoon when Roderich has finally woken up. He gives me a polite "Good morning," before I retreat back to my room. 

Eliza pulls me to her and whispers fiercely in my ear. "Don't do anything you'll regret, okay?" I nod in response as I put on an understanding smile. 

I don't even know where he's buried. They didn't tell me. They thought it would tear me apart, and that I'd just feel more hurt if I saw a headstone with his name on it. In a way, they were right. But at times like these, I want to see the place where he is. I want to talk to his stone gravestone as if he were here, and I want to feel his presence around me. 

The hours blur together for the rest of the day. I cry and then I stop. I go down to see the other two for dinner before Elizabeta announces her leave. Before she exits, she whispers to me one last time. 

"Feli, you're important to me. Please don't...just don't..." She pulls away from my ear, smiling. "Just don't blame yourself for something that's not your fault, okay?"

I only nod. She smiles again as she walks out the door, and I know that she'll be back soon, but I miss her already. 

There are people around me who will stop the knives around me from cutting my skin. There are people around me who will try to fend off the shadows that dominate my mind. I am more grateful for them than I could possibly say. 

Ronan will never come back. I've accepted that as much as I can. I think I'll always mourn him, and I think that I'll never really be the same again. But people will help me. I'm healing, slowly.

* * *

 

I pull my bedcovers closer to me as I lie awake. Tomorrow, I guess, will be the first time in a while that I've met someone outside of my 'family.' I can't help but be excited about meeting Ludwig and Gilbert tomorrow.

Today just proved that I can be beyond this sometimes. I smiled, I laughed, I was _happy_ \- and it wasn't all pretend. Some of it was true, genuine happiness.

_Forgive me, Ronan, my love. I've smiled in your absence._  

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so lazy. I apologize for the delay. I suffer from chronic procrastination.   
> Sorry this was such a filler chapter. I realize that this is shitty but I'm trying to get better, please bear with me. Also, an angsty Italy turns out to be incredibly difficult to write. Huh.   
> (Ronan is my version of Holy Rome, if you couldn't tell)

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first actual fanfic. Be proud, guys.  
> Look, I know that this probably sucks but I really wanted to write it, so here it is. I cannot write angst for the life of me...still, I hope someone enjoyed. I will try my best to finish this fanfic! Yes, this is set in America, because I myself am American and I know that setting the best...  
> Anyways, thank you so much for reading! I really enjoy writing this fanfic!


End file.
